
Ever had those moments where you don’t know what to think. I’m having one right now.
On the surface, when people see me out, they wouldn’t think anything was wrong, but when I’m alone at home, I cry often, I wonder will I ever have friends and not just drinking pals or acquaintances.
I’m about to turn 43 years old and I just feel extremely alone. I’ve always liked my own company and I used to be very independent but mental health & anxiety have really taken a toll on me over the last 4 ish years and I haven’t been able to do anything by myself for the past few. Sure I can go and meet my partner somewhere that I know well but I can’t even go to the gym alone and I very rarely leave the house alone.
Every weekend we go to at least 2 gigs, either in a local pub or music venue and usually it’s the same performer (but not always). This person is brilliant, amazing, with such a lovely close family and knows everyone everywhere she goes. To have that person in my life or to be that person (without the talent of course) would be amazing.
Also with ADHD & autism traits I bet I’m not the easiest person to like or get to know.
My partner just now said he is crashing at his mates this evening, and that’s when I just burst out crying, not that he can’t do that, who am I to tell him what to do, more so that at that moment I felt very alone.
I haven’t been invited anywhere for years and when I have been it has always been as a couple. I don’t have people to chat to and ask how their day has been, to ask if they want to get a coffee etc. Yes I go out a lot and that is what people see but that is not the real me.
I have 2-3 events before the end of the year where I am going to try to push myself to go alone, not sure if they will happen but I’ll try.